How My Grandparents With Dementia Are Ruining My Life
It’s 12:30 AM and my grandmother just stopped moaning and grumbling. I can finally start my day.
My grandmother used to be the kindest woman you’ll ever meet. Her life mantra was to make sure you never lacked a thing, even if that meant she wouldn’t have enough the next day. She grew up during WWII, never went to school, had to raise her nine siblings, and married a construction worker whose story wasn’t that much different.
For the past three years both of my grandparents have been living in my house. Before they came, my parents and I had family life. There was time to talk, time for Friday night movies, and even time to bike around together. My sister, my parents, and I had weekly goals, and we found support and encouragement in each other. Now that’s all in the past.
Both my 89 year-old grandma and 83 year-old grandpa have been diagnosed with Alzheimer — Dementia. They have little working memory, don’t remember our names or who we are, what day it is, or where they are. They are in the late stage of the disease, and fully depend on others to move, eat, and go to the bathroom.
All they do is to watch TV. They don’t know anything else. During their life, they never cultivated themselves, by developing a hobby, joining a social group, learning a skill, traveling, or reading. So now, when they have free time all day, they have no idea what they can use that time for. Starting a new activity at this stage of their life, with such cognitive deterioration, becomes an impossible goal.
If they just sat there and watched TV all day wouldn’t be an issue. The problem is that they complain, moan, grumble, groan, whimper, wail, and quarrel during all hours they are awake. For every single thing. From having to walk three steps to sit at the table to eat, to washing their hands with hot, cold, or warm water (it really doesn’t matter, they still complain), to even answering a simple question about their preference for a snack. The worst is that they behave the same way when nothing is going on, nobody is bothering them, and they have all their needs met.
As college students, my sister and I have seen our young lives ruined by having to deal with our grandparents’ tantrums. We have books to read, papers to write, and Zoom meetings to attend. We also need time for ourselves, for our hobbies and interests— playing our music instruments, going to coffee shops, etc. All of which become a challenge to achieve because either we have to be looking after our grandparents, and when not, their disruption is such that it kills our mood to do anything.
My grandparents are the priority in the house. It seems that we can only carry on with our lives overnight, when they are sleeping. They take control of the TV, of our schedules and the activities we do in a day. They are good manipulators — even if they do it unconsciously. Our lives have gone in the background.
After three years living like this, I wonder if we are just doomed to continue having this lifestyle and if only their death will set us free. I love my grandparents, but they are sucking the life out of me, my sister, and my parents. I don’t think it’s fair to let them destroy our lives. I really don’t know what can be done to change our situation and to have our lives back.
